Ashley S. (xneonmoonx) wrote,
Ashley S.

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As the foundation shifts...

My grandma recently found out that she has cancer of the bladder. Being the tough woman she is, she really tried to avoid complaining or asking very much of anyone. After many appointments, she had an exploratory surgery yesterday to determine whether the cancer could be removed safely. It turned out that this was not the case. My mother, who is an RN and has acted as her medical advocate for years, told me that the prognosis is a few months. In the meantime, palliative radiation and chemotherapy will be used "for comfort".

Perhaps I haven't fully processed all of this yet. I feel a bit numb and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. All I can figure is that the best I can do is be as present and helpful as possible. I can accept that. It's just that the process of accepting the inevitable and functioning around it is going to be a bear. Illness and death happen. I realize this. But to be honest, I've never lost someone that I was really close to. The idea of such is beyond my comprehension.

I figured that articulating all of this might help me in some way. But then again... I just don't know at this point. How does one deal with the inevitability of losing such an important member of the family? It's beyond me. I know I should be putting my energy into enjoying the time I have left with her-- I guess there's a very real fear factor surrounding this. In addition, I'm not just concerned about how I will deal with her no longer being with us-- I am far more concerned about how the rest of my family will deal with it. My family has consistently been my "rock". What happens when that rock falls apart? I can't fix it for everyone. I realize this, too. But there has to be some kind of balance-- some kind of solution-- somewhere...

On another note, I feel very fortunate to have a certain someone to hold my hand through all of this (you know who you are). Thank you. <3
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